An Open Letter to Old Navy

Dear Old Navy,
Please send your pants designer back to design school. Or at least get him some face time with Tim Gunn. I don't know why your pants designer despises women's waists so much that just about every pair in your stores are "low waisted". Nor do I know why you'd create "low waisted" maternity pants. They fit okay in the dressing room, but after wearing them for an hour and a half I want to rip them off. My growing belly needs support and I certainly don't need to be hitching my pants up every time I get up off my chair.

Nor do I understand why your pants designer doesn't subscribe to the theory that "less is more." Why do most of your pants have inexplicable pockets or drawstrings around the ankles? Why do my "low waisted" maternity pants have the most unflattering pockets? And why are there darts around my knees?

I understand that a large majority of your consumers are the youthful, hip, slender types, but there are more of us out there. You used to make great, simple clothing. And your dresses and tops are affordable and stylish. But your pants have just always left me sad.

Sincerely,
One Who Cannot Wear Your Pants Even When She Isn't Pregnant

An Open Letter to the Jerk in the Old Car on Southern State Parkway

Hi! It's me. The person in the Saturn who you gave a disdainful look to as you passed me. Because you had to swerve around me since you were traveling way too fast in the right hand lane.
The right hand lane is for people to MERGE onto and off of the parkway. It's not your personal zoom-by-others lane. And not to mention the other 2 cars ahead of me who apparently had no idea that you had to speed up a little as you merge onto a parkway.
Oh, and it doesn't make you cool if you drive an old car. It's an old car that's been well cared for moron - one with a real paint job and not a Harley Davidson decals all over it. (Blasphemy)
And lose the mullet loser.

An Open Letter to the Patrons of the North Babylon Library Who Borrow DVDs

I know how exciting it must be to borrow new(ish) movies like Spiderman 2 without having to go to Blockbuster.
I know it must really be hard to try to take care of something that isn't yours.
I know it must be even harder to do something simple like take a DVD from its case and carefully put it in your DVD player.
Perhaps you were missing a coaster and needed a flat round object to put your drink on.
Or maybe you lost your frisbee.
Regardless. Those DVDs do not belong to you and contrary to what you might think, other people would like to be able to VIEW the movie once you're done watching/slobbering/chewing on said movie.
The world is not your oyster.