Sunday, February 19, 2006

Taco Bell and Dead People
I actually surprised myself this morning by heading to the gym for the second day in a row. Did the last 15 minutes of the cardio class and then the 45 minute weight training class I intended in attending. I feel like I'm back in the swing of things where I'm actually looking forward to going to the gym and realized this morning that I enjoyed it just as much from the back of the class as I do from my "usual" spots. Aaaannnnndddd....made the nice realization that I was able to follow the routine pretty well even after just seeing it once. Not too shabby.

So yesterday I got a lot accomplished and today I was fruitful before lunch. Which gives me the right (in my opinion anyway) to laze around today and relax and eat lots of food.

Not to mention the fact that I have a huge, disgusting cocktail to swill down before bedtime. Yup, another "routine" CT scan. No matter how many of these poking and prodding and scanning tests I go for, I still dread and look forward to them. It's so strange how I can feel a million different ways about this stuff. I feel conflicted. I feel worried, I feel like an old pro at it, I know since I feel good I'll (eventually) feel relieved when I get the good news, I feel like the center of attention (let's face it, not everyone is so oohed and aahed over). But mostly it just makes me feel tired. Which is why I guess I'm enjoying the gym so much. I actually got pissed at the gym the other day - daring that cancer to show its face again to me.

So tonight, in appreciation of my good conduct this weekend and in anticpation of good behavior tomorrow, I'm going to grab some delicious Taco Bell (double decker supreme, regular taco and nachos) and dive into the second season of Six Feet Under. Mmmm mmmmm.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Arrgh...Rock Bottom
It's interesting as to how many times your day can turn around. The times are approximate, the names have not been changed, because no one is innocent.

7ish - Got gas and picked up some good coffee. Pin one on the good day side.
7:45ish - Stopped for gas and coffee, hit no traffic and still got to work early. Another tic for the good day side.
9ish - Delved into work of arranging mailings, printing envelopes and coordinating a huge mass mailing. Not astoundingly good, but not bad.
12ish - Scratched the pasta itch with spaghetti and meatballs and had pleasant conversation in the lunchroom. Good day side.
1-3:50ish - Made major headway with work, finished printing a slew of envelopes and got the invitation ready for the printer. Finalized files to be brought to printer, getting yet another task done. Good day side.
3:54ish - Got ready to get changed for the gym. Excited about getting back into a workout routine. Good day side.
3:55ish - JMJ comes into my office upset about an error on a mailing. Made me feel about two inches high and question my whole career choice (or lack thereof), and wonder if I'll ever have a job I'm actually proud of. Sobbed the whole way home and went through anger, frustration, sadness, lamenting and finally apathy. For the past week, since Laura announced her leaving she's been nothing but bad vibes. She's doom and gloom about getting everything done, sighing at everything and generally just in a sour mood. Complaining about board members and imparting her bad humor on me. Not to mention I am so blatantly overworked with too many duties that I can barely keep things straight. Nor does it help that I'm in the main office (how was this a good idea again??) bombarded by students, parents and teachers.
But I digress...
4:30ish - Neighbor across the street says "Hey, your tire looks low, keep an eye on it. By the way I'm Jody and it's real nice to meet you." A complete stranger who showed some kindness to me and made me feel human again. It's a lesson to learn that we never know how we will affect someone else. I actually feel like I can think clearly again.

So I'm sitting trying to think about where I am, what do I want to do, what can I do? I can't help but continue to return to the downward spiral of thinking that I've just made numerous bad decisions.

Bad Decision #1 - Being an art major. What on earth was I thinking? Where could I have thought I was possibly going with this? I'm going to have to seriously look through old journals to see if there was any reasoning behind this. I mean, there had to have been something behind it.
Semi-Bad Decision#1a - Not looking more seriously at Towsend when the cello teacher showed interest in me. What was I rebelling so hard against that I turned away from music? Where would I be today had I taken advantage of this opportunity?
Bad Decision #2 - Taking a crappy job at Williams-Sonoma. Now, granted, I thought this would lead to event planning and other opportunities (or so I was led to believe from the management there) but I had to know this was a bad decision.
Bad Decision #3 - Leaving GE. Yes, GE would not have been as understanding or flexible when I got sick (or maybe not - maybe at that point I'd have had a home office?). But free tuition? Upward mobility? I had blinders on and could only see the bad, and not the possibility of the good.

So here I sit, alternatively moping and trying to be productive. Updating my resume and trying to think reasonably. I guess it's only natural to think such things after a bad day and wonder what could be or could have been.