Sunday, January 22, 2006

The End of an Era
Today is the last performance of Cats. I feel very conflicted about this. On one hand, I'll be glad to have my weekends back (until the next show of course!) but I never can cope with long-term things ending. Especially with no real next show on the horizon for me. I think that's what's bothering me most - no new project in sight. Gary's probably going to keep most of Sunday in the Park for himself, which is somewhat maddening since I shared Ragtime (and hadn't shared the same gig the previous 2 years). But the last show is always so bittersweet for me. It always gets me a little in my heart - I guess all the time and sweat I dedicated to it makes it feel a little more personal.

Last night I went out with Margaret and the pit - had so much fun. It's just fun to be around other musicians. It's fun to be goofing off and feel accepted. I always feel like a "real" musician when I'm out with the gang. And I usually never fraternize with cast members - it was nice to get to know a few of them.

And it helped greatly that I played well last night. Which makes me more confident and feel even more accepted.

I know I should be grateful for the shows that I do get to play and for how often I get to play. But I always want more. More connections, more gigs, more playing. I never knew how much I'd really grow to love music. In high school I always did it because it was what I was good at, what I knew - what got me attention. And I did love it, but I was so fearful of making it my life's work. I guess now I can always say, "Oh no, I'm not a professional, it's just a hobby for me." and impress people with that. But I wonder so often where I'd have wound up if I had even just minored in music. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning about myself too late. I often wonder where I'd be if I had come to my senses a lot earlier.

Now I guess I really have to get back to the gym and start whipping myself into shape. I'd love to go back to Bethpage looking even better than last summer. And would especially love to look better each time people see me.

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