Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Cardinals and Grandma
Yesterday didn't start out the best of days. Actually, it started with Monday. Back to work after the holiday break, trying to get back into the swing of things and dreading the doctor's visit the next day. I reasoned with myself a million different ways, in thinking that I wasn't feeling badly, I wasn't coughing, wasn't feverish. But you can only tell yourself to calm down a million times before you start tuning yourself out.

So I worried, and plotted and planned and fretted over what I'd do if the lymphoma came back. First, I'd dye my hair blonde. Hey, if it was going to fall out anyway, I might as well have some fun with it before it went. I'd have to make sure the chemo wouldn't interfere with any rehearsals or shows and insist that I didn't have a PICC line to mess up my arm. I had it all figured out. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

On the way to work Monday as I was driving up the driveway, poof, there was that cardinal rushing across giving me a glimpse of itself. It made me smile and reminded me that in the grand scheme of things, I'd ultimately be okay.

Monday evening approached and I became more disgruntled. I was crabby, unresponsive and pensive. I didn't want to talk about it and just wanted to curl up and sleep to escape my thoughts. Tuesday I dressed as nicely as I could, hoping that looking good on the outside would make me feel better on the inside. Which it did to an extent. At work I was short and introverted, not responding to joking around. It was also rainy and damp as if the weather were trying to accompany my sentiment. And then at one point of the day, I just couldn't find letters I had done and was really starting to panic. I figured I'd check one more time upstairs in the office and made my way towards it. As I walked, something outside the window caught my eye. That cardinal was sitting outside, as if it were waiting for me to catch a glimpse. It sat and sat, moving just enough to be noticed. And I stood at the window just watching it. And as soon as it knew I saw it, it flew away. I almost burst into tears. Of course the letters where were I was headed to and everything turned out just fine at the doctor's. Everyone was delighted to see me, my chest x-ray showed a clean bill of health and nothing to worry about. CT late next month and we'll see you around.

It never gets easier to live with the fact that I had cancer. It's always a nugget in the back of my mind and pops up every once in a while. But at least I'm reminded that I have the strength and support from those I love - those with me every day and those who watch me from afar to deal with whatever pops up.

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