Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Arrgh...Rock Bottom
It's interesting as to how many times your day can turn around. The times are approximate, the names have not been changed, because no one is innocent.

7ish - Got gas and picked up some good coffee. Pin one on the good day side.
7:45ish - Stopped for gas and coffee, hit no traffic and still got to work early. Another tic for the good day side.
9ish - Delved into work of arranging mailings, printing envelopes and coordinating a huge mass mailing. Not astoundingly good, but not bad.
12ish - Scratched the pasta itch with spaghetti and meatballs and had pleasant conversation in the lunchroom. Good day side.
1-3:50ish - Made major headway with work, finished printing a slew of envelopes and got the invitation ready for the printer. Finalized files to be brought to printer, getting yet another task done. Good day side.
3:54ish - Got ready to get changed for the gym. Excited about getting back into a workout routine. Good day side.
3:55ish - JMJ comes into my office upset about an error on a mailing. Made me feel about two inches high and question my whole career choice (or lack thereof), and wonder if I'll ever have a job I'm actually proud of. Sobbed the whole way home and went through anger, frustration, sadness, lamenting and finally apathy. For the past week, since Laura announced her leaving she's been nothing but bad vibes. She's doom and gloom about getting everything done, sighing at everything and generally just in a sour mood. Complaining about board members and imparting her bad humor on me. Not to mention I am so blatantly overworked with too many duties that I can barely keep things straight. Nor does it help that I'm in the main office (how was this a good idea again??) bombarded by students, parents and teachers.
But I digress...
4:30ish - Neighbor across the street says "Hey, your tire looks low, keep an eye on it. By the way I'm Jody and it's real nice to meet you." A complete stranger who showed some kindness to me and made me feel human again. It's a lesson to learn that we never know how we will affect someone else. I actually feel like I can think clearly again.

So I'm sitting trying to think about where I am, what do I want to do, what can I do? I can't help but continue to return to the downward spiral of thinking that I've just made numerous bad decisions.

Bad Decision #1 - Being an art major. What on earth was I thinking? Where could I have thought I was possibly going with this? I'm going to have to seriously look through old journals to see if there was any reasoning behind this. I mean, there had to have been something behind it.
Semi-Bad Decision#1a - Not looking more seriously at Towsend when the cello teacher showed interest in me. What was I rebelling so hard against that I turned away from music? Where would I be today had I taken advantage of this opportunity?
Bad Decision #2 - Taking a crappy job at Williams-Sonoma. Now, granted, I thought this would lead to event planning and other opportunities (or so I was led to believe from the management there) but I had to know this was a bad decision.
Bad Decision #3 - Leaving GE. Yes, GE would not have been as understanding or flexible when I got sick (or maybe not - maybe at that point I'd have had a home office?). But free tuition? Upward mobility? I had blinders on and could only see the bad, and not the possibility of the good.

So here I sit, alternatively moping and trying to be productive. Updating my resume and trying to think reasonably. I guess it's only natural to think such things after a bad day and wonder what could be or could have been.


1 comment:

Moi ;) said...

Hey - I just saw your post over at BPR, noticed you were a musician too (I play flute/clarinet).....what is even weirder is that I was going to be an art major,

You know what? Don't sweat the non-music or bad decisions. If you regret not studying with someone, call them up and get lessons Now. It will make you connections and you'll learn something, too. Do what you can from where you are now - and maybe you need to make a change, maybe not.

I worked in an office, too, several of them as a matter of fact, after I graduated. Dumb me. Kick me. I should have just up and gone to CA, because what I always wanted to do was be a studio musician. Since I was a little kid, I wanted to play on the movie soundtracks, lol!

Of course, now those jobs are few and far between thanks to computers and synths. And I have had to rework my career about 10 times.

You are in one of the most competitive places to be for a musician!!! You are not doing badly if you are getting playing jobs at all.

A friend of mine had a decent career going in NYC, she was a coloratura, Pavarotti finalist, and she married someone in the NC Symphony and eventually moved down there. She told me that when her husband asked her to marry him, she had to make the Major decision to fight tooth and nail in the big city, or become a really popular "regional" singer. She's in big demand down there now, makes a great living at singing. She has a family, which is something she probably wouldn't have if she'd stayed in NYC.

OK, rant done. lol. I can't wait until the 25th, either!!